’90 Day Fiancé’ Episode 3: Kids, Kids, and More Kids (RECAP)

[Warning: The below contains MAJOR spoilers for 90 Day Fiancé Season 7, Episode 3.]

More episodes mean more drama. The seventh season of 90 Day Fiancé continues with its third installment, appropriately titled “What Am I Worth To You?” because, let’s face it, some of these couples are absolute trainwrecks.

Last week we watched Juliana fail her visa interview in Brazil, Anny be annoyed with Robert’s young son when she admittedly just wants to have sex, and Mursel awkwardly admit that he is ashamed of Anna’s kids. He literally says this in front of her middle son and her mom, so yeah, way to win favor with the fam. Also, he had the best golf-pro-on-acid-inspired outfit of the episode, topped off with his amazingly oblivious attitude.

Sasha and Emily meet with Sasha’s first wife and ask her to take the son Sasha only sees on holidays (!) with them to the U.S.. Emily then goes into labor, partially to get out of the uncomfortable conversation and also, you know, because her baby is coming.

Plus, Tania proved she just might be the most annoying cast member this season as she sprinkled rose petals everywhere she went (it’s one thing for a hotel room bed, but all over baggage claim? Those poor airport employees). We’re starting to think her sister may be right about her…..

So what awaits this Sunday? Let’s just say, it gets real.

Retail Therapy

“After Bryson went to sleep, we had sex in the living room,” Anny says laughing at the top of Sunday’s episode. We already knew they were a very sex-positive couple after Robert’s introduction in the premiere showed him shopping for lingerie. But Anny continues to say she didn’t sleep well because she’s “more used to sleeping alone.” That’s why Robert was holding her all night, he answers. Aww. She shrugs it off, then asks for new clothes.

Anny explains she left all her clothes in the Dominican Republic so her family could sell them for cash. “That’s what I love about you, you care about your family,” Robert says, completely oblivious to the fact that maybe she just wants nicer clothes.

It’s clear that Robert’s son Bryson loves Anny, and they have a cute moment before Bryson gets dropped off at school. The mood shifts moments later when Robert takes Anny to a consignment store and her face scrunches up in disgust. “Rags, lots of ugly rags,” Anny says in Spanish. “I think I’m going to go to America, I’m going to buy fashionable clothes like Chanel, Versace, and he surprises me. Nobody bring me to a store like that in my life before. That’s f***ed up.”

Also quick moment of appreciation for this salesperson’s face when Anny throws a fit after realizing it’s a used clothing store.

“Money don’t grow on trees and it definitely don’t fall out of my ass,” Robert says, casually making up a new scatological catchphrase that no doubt will be all over 90 Day fan boards.

New Couple Alert

The 6-foot-7 Mike loves to stand out in his small Washington hometown. He’s a farmer through and through, but has racked up debt caring for the 27 acres of land. His uncle Bojangles (not making this up) emerges from a literal shack on the property where he lives while working as a ranch hand. This is all explained by Bo in a woozy interview, but he “has fun and enjoys it,” so to each his own.

“I’m totally living at a bachelor pad right now with me and Uncle Bo,” Mike tells the camera. “Got some food, got some beer. Just living with the basics right now, I don’t need any fancy stuff.”

Mike was married once before, and had an unexpected divorce after his wife left him for another woman. These Friends reboots are getting out of hand (that’s a little Ross joke for all you ’90s-obsessed readers).

The stress of the breakup led to an intense weight gain, and Mike has since proudly lost 80 pounds. His new physique inspired him to date more, and his best friend eventually set Mike up with his child’s godmother.

Bear with us but Mike’s friend’s wife is from the Ukraine, and Mike was the godfather to their newborn. The wife’s Ukrainian friend, Natalie, was named the godmother, and Mike and Natalie were introduced online. Natalie is a horseback riding psychologist-slash-journalist-slash-model so, of course, every man’s fantasy. “I thought at first sight that she was absolutely beautiful and gorgeous,” Mike said. “I was thinking to myself ‘why in the world would this woman possibly be interested in a guy like me?'”

Mike traveled to the Ukraine to meet Natalie in person and they clicked immediately. “She’s the beauty and I’m the beast,” he laughs. They rendezvoused again in Paris, where he proposed.

Right now, they’re waiting for her visa to be approved, but Mike still hasn’t told her about his credit card debt and he’s fearful she won’t want to get come to the U.S. anymore after finding out. “Only time will tell, I guess,” he says defeatedly.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Anna and Mursel have a strained conversation via the dreaded translator app. She understandably wants to know what the plan is if Mursel’s family finds out about her sons. While Anna’s concern is palpable, Mursel keeps his goofy grin and reassures here they won’t ever know. It’s not like they’re on a TV show or anything. Anna is more worried that he’ll be forced to return to Turkey, and also questions the ethics of hiding her three boys.

Mursel says he might tell his family about his soon-to-be stepsons in oh, maybe 10 years, because that’s totally casual. Anna looks like she’s going to cry while Mursel cryptically says this is her “destiny.”

Newsboys Caps for the Win(e)

Michael is back in Connecticut after his trip to Brazil and quickly updates on Juliana’s legal status. His 2000s newsboy cap comes out of nowhere, so that’s all we can focus on in this scene. Oh wait, Juliana did get a visa? How does the government even work? Whatever, it’s three days later and a HUGE WHITE STRETCH HUMMER LIMO arrives at Michael’s house. Apparently that newsboy cap was a slippery slope and he has gone full 2003. “I thought about a helicopter but it was out of my budget,” he tells the camera.

At the airport, Juliana bursts into tears while kissing Michael. “I feel like I’m dreaming,” she giggles while holding flowers from her winemaking fiancé. The happy couple hops in the Hummer, where Michael jokes (please God let this be a joke) that they could “shoot a limousine porno” in the back. Post-prostitution claims, this seems like the cold open for a Law & Order: SVU episode. The camera stays on them as they sit in a brief awkward silence, á la The Graduate, and then we get the champagne 1996 birth year comment, so the scene officially comes full circle in creepiness.

Michael then gifts Juliana a bejeweled necklace with red, white, blue, red, and green stones to represent the U.S. and Brazil flag colors. Maybe there should be a TLC 90 Day Fiancé: Wife Swap edition so Anny can feel some of the material love?

A Baby Already?

Emily’s water breaks and she’s goes into labor at the hospital. There are some complications with the baby’s positioning and Emily starts crying out of fear. She can’t understand anything the doctor is saying and Sasha is eerily calm, probably because he’s done this twice before.

“After 10 hours of labor and an unexpected C-section, we finally met our son, Dave,” Emily says as the new family is huddled together. “He’s perfect.”

*Eye Roll Montage*

So Tania’s friends are still in town, which means more group outings for Syngin, who just wants to spend time with his fiancée. Instead of finding this romantic or respecting his wishes after an exhausting flight from South Africa, Tania insists it’s another “full day of friends” for them. “He always wants my attention,” Tania boasts. “For me, if he ever gave me an ultimatum, it would always be my friends. My friends would have to come first. They’ve been here 14 years and God forbid, they’ll be here 14 years after us so….I love you, but…”

That’s literally how she ends the sentence.

To explore NYC, one of the greatest food destinations in the world, they opt for a chain sushi restaurant where Tania’s friend asks “are you sick of us yet?” Yes, we are. Then her other friend asks what Syngin’s plans are to work in the U.S. The man has been here for less than 24 hours and hasn’t even bitten into his no-doubt soggy sushi roll but already Tania’s cronies are descending.

Syngin explains his plan to start with bartending, which makes sense given he was a bartender in South Africa, but then he spirals out of control saying he hopes to “go to Hollywood” (again, you’re literally already on a TV show), become a firefighter, or join the opera.

Tania’s friends literally tell him to “pick a lane,” followed by “does Tania’s ambitions make you scared?” Syngin flips it and says that’s one of the reasons why he loves her, aka stop trying to drive a wedge into their relationship. The interrogation continues when they ask about their plans to have kids together, which we already know is one of Tania’s hot-button issues. Her friends are pulling out all the stops to ruin this couple.

A Wrench in the Ukraine

Natalie calls Mike to tell him that her visa was delayed six months. Obviously this isn’t the end of the road for them because they’re on this show, but it’s still a wrench in their plans to wed. Mike decides to travel to the Ukraine to see her instead. “I’ll do whatever it takes to get there,” Mike says to Natalie. “We’ve got this, love.”

Adventures in Babysitting

Juliana meets Michael’s kids in their new house. “I think she’s really pretty. It proves that she’s a model,” Michael’s daughter CeCe says.

“She’s really really pretty. I think my dad’s a lucky guy,” his pre-teen son Max echoes with a grin, so maybe that Graduate parallel isn’t too far off. It’s obvious the poor guy has a crush on Juliana as he feeds her avocados after researching it is considered a dessert in Brazil. His crush makes sense — she’s gorgeous and less than 10 years older than him.

The Kids Confront Mursel

Anna’s two older kids confront Mursel and ask if he would get expelled by his family if they found out about the boys. Mursel answers yes, to which Anna’s son says “well that’s his fault.” Pause for applause. We’re rooting for Anna and her sons, and if Mursel can’t deal with her three boys, then he should find his honey elsewhere (just a reminder that he’s a beekeeper in order for this joke to make sense).

Mursel wants Anna to move with him back to Turkey without her kids, and frankly probably prefers if she didn’t even have kids to begin with. “I’m stuck between the man I love and my children,” Anna tells the camera. Honestly, in this moment she needs some of Tania’s determination: it should be her kids, no question. Plus, they’re far more tolerable than Tania’s friends.

And a Confrontation About Kids

Tania and Syngin have the same “put your semen in me” conversation (actual quote), just this time sans posse. Syngin falls back on the fact that he doesn’t have a job and also is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with her life, which is what he was just chastised for before. Tania pushes having kids as soon as possible given her biological clock, but it’s a conversation that goes nowhere though it gives us the best line of the episode: “It’s like you wrote the story and I’m just the character in it.” Damn Syngin.

They’re both right-ish, but it’s clear they are in different places in their respective lives, so have fun figuring that out.

Previews

Next week, we see Anny meeting Bryson’s grandparents and his former mother-in-law IS A PORN STAR! How does TLC do it? This is pure gold.

Mike arrives in the Ukraine and Natalie says she wants to work on getting pregnant. Mursel meets Anna’s friends and stumbles over his words when asked about their upcoming nuptials. We also see new couple Blake and Jasmin—surprise, surprise—talking about their sex lives, which fits perfectly into the theme of Season 7 so far.

90 Day is just flying through storylines which makes us wonder, what other big surprises are they hiding? Ah, this show is too good.

90 Day Fiancé, Sundays, 8/7c, TLC