Best Lines on TV This Week: Dating While Demanding (or Desperate)
"I don't ask people out, I just tell them where we're going."
—Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) takes an aggressive approach to dating.
"To happiness, or as I like to call it, sadness in its early stages."
—Stosh (Zachary Knighton) raises a toast to the inevitable before shots of scotch with Caryn (Becki Newton) and April (guest star Katie Aselton from The League.)
"A mayonnaise hair treatment? Mom's hair is going to shine like a beautiful sandwich."
—Tina and the rest of the Belcher clan prepare to shower matriarch Linda with a Homemade Spa Day for her birthday.
Big Time in Hollywood, FL
Ben: "I can only imagine what you did to get us kidnapped."
Jack: "I didn't do anything. What did you do?"
Ben: "I didn't do anything. Maybe it's because you got Jimmy Staats killed. Remember that, dickhead?"
Jack: "Are you calling me a dickhead or are you calling Jimmy a dickhead? Cause it's pretty hard to tell where you're putting the comma."
Ben: "I'm calling you a dickhead, Jack! YOU! No comma!"
—Brothers Ben (Lenny Jacobson) and Jack (Alex Anfanger) debate grammatical nuance while being tossed around the back of a van with bags over their heads.
"Sorry, I instinctively take my shirt off every time someone knocks on the door."
—Lowell (Bradley James) greets his zombie boo Liv (Rose McIver) while half-dressed.
The Last Man on Earth
"I don't want to be with a man who leaves someone in the desert to die. I want to be with the man who didn't have the heart to go through with it."
—Carol (Kristen Schaal) can't afford to be choosy with her men as the post-apocalyptic comedy ends its first season and chooses Original Phil (Will Forte).
The Big Bang Theory
Raj: "I don't know guys, maybe this relationship isn't for me—maybe I should break up with her."
Howard: "Right, you're gonna break up with a girl who has sex with you. Can you believe this guy?"
—Howard (Simon Helberg) scoffs when Raj (Kunal Nayyar) considers a voluntary breakup.