The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Date Card That Will Live In Infamy (VIDEO)

Damian Holbrook August 29, 2016, 12:41 pm

Forget overhead lighting, horizontal stripes or those T.J. Maxx mirrors that stretch troublesome body parts to funhouse proportions. There is nothing better than a perfectly edited promo to make one look bad. And this teaser for tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise is the worst reflection of Ashley I. Ever.

Known as the big-lashed, crying vacuum of neediness since she first failed to find love on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor, the virginal powderkeg has been obsessively plotting to derail ex-beau Jared’s romance with the chronically indecisive Caila for the past few weeks. When not sobbing hysterically over being dumped by him a season ago, that is.

Ashley waiting for Wells to ask her out.

But now that Jared and his unfortunate facial hair have made it clear that he is not interested in her (again), the rest of the Paradise crew is hellbent on getting this borderline mess some sort of positive attention so she stops with the meltdowns. Thankfully, Wells—the boyish DJ who Snapchatted the crap out of JoJo’s Bachelorette finalists after being sent home—arrives tonight with a date card that could save them all.

“For Paradise and humanity to continue, this date needs to happen,” says Nick V., not entirely over-exaggerating. And he’s not the only one desperate to push the whiny woman into someone (anyone!) else’s arms. Grant, Caila, Lace, one of the dimwitted twins and Jared himself all take to the confessionals to implore the Producing Gods to make Wells ask out Ashley. She is clearly that tragic friend people sort of tolerate out of pity and a deep fear of having to deal with her. Even the perpetually shirtless Daniel makes an on-camera appeal, although we were too distracted by his involuntary pec flexes to notice or care what he says.

So does Wells take one for the team? The clip cuts off before we find out, but given that there were no reports of any fatalities this season, it seems like a smart bet. And who knows, maybe he’ll be the one to help her move on. Or more likely, the one everyone will be trying to help escape her crazy next season.

Check it out here:

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays, 8/7c on ABC.