‘Alaskan Bush People’ Episode 4: ‘Bush Below Zero’ (RECAP)
On Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People episode, “Bush Below Zero” (September 13), the Browns build livestock shelters before a cold front comes through.
Last month’s Palmer Fire burned close to 18,000 acres, destroyed families’ homes and ranches, forced evacuations in Loomis and surrounding areas, put firefighters’ lives at risk, cost millions of dollars, and diverted valuable assets and resources that could’ve been used elsewhere.
Officials have said the cause of the fire is human, though specifically what human or humans are responsible has yet to be disclosed.
Of course, the Browns, Park Slope and Discovery Channel have been busy posting about the fire to hype the new season of the show.
The Browns have been playing the victims, even though they don’t actually live on the mountain and only lost a bunch of set pieces. (Reportedly, they also lost some livestock, mostly chickens). They’re also playing heroes for the camera, acting like they’re helping their community through a disaster. Knowing all this, it’s tough to find humor in anything to do with Alaskan Bush People. But I’ll grin through gnashed teeth and pound out this recap of the completely forgettable “Bush Below Zero” episode.
Birdy and Gabe are planning to have a meal around a small campfire. They discover that their loaf of bread is frozen. Normal people who don’t act like idiots on TV would probably figure out that setting the loaf near the fire for a few minutes would sufficiently thaw the bread. Instead, Birdy decides to put the loaf in her clothes and then run around, creating the even-more-disgusting-than-it-sounds pastry known as “sweat bread.”
The show finally acknowledges the existence of Gabe’s daughter, Sophie. I was planning to give Raquell the name “She Who Will Not Be Seen,” but Raquell has finally reappeared to do absolutely nothing.
Mother Ami loves the grandbabies, so she and Father Billy make a live appearance to talk some ridiculousness about planting seeds on the mountain and creating a whole forest full of half-witted, howling descendants.
It’s late December on Brown Star Ranch, but WINTER IS RIGHT THERE!
Billy has said his thing, so it’s time for him and Mother Ami to retire to the storage unit until next week.
The Browns laugh about being unprepared for winter every year. It’s like they’re incapable of learning new concepts. People who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it or recap it for 12ish seasons.
There’s some Fake Weather in the forecast, which lends itself to Fake Urgency and Fake Construction. Bone-chilling cold and subzero wind chills are predicted. There is also a strong chance of “wind shear,” in case someone feels like landing a Boeing 787 Dreamliner on Brown Star Ranch.
The Browns have failed to protect the livestock, and they don’t want to risk losing their security deposit on the rented animals.
The Brown kids decide that they will remedy this problem by building a few ramshackle structures out of materials salvaged from an old shed that their neighbor wants demolished.
The kids pry a bunch of boards off the wall and find some old maps “hidden” behind the boards. For a second I think they’re about to embark on some fake Bush treasure hunt, but since there’s no X on the map, the treasure hunt storyline will have to wait for Season 34ish.
Their haul of materials is small, hardly even worth the trip. I guess this whole scene was simply an excuse to make fun of Noah. I can accept that.
Asa, our dear narrator, informs us that the impending cold spell “could destroy much of the ranch.” That’s not how cold works. It’s not like, say, for example, fire.
Let’s take a look at weather data for Loomis, Bushington, for December 2019. Not seeing a lot of ranch-destroying temperatures there.
“Oh, but they’re on a mountain! It’s colder there!” you say? The highest elevation on Palmer Mountain is about 4,200 feet. Loomis sits at about 1,300 feet. This ain’t Mount Everest.
There are several scenes of poor construction and the Browns pretending that putting up small walls built from scrap wood, old windows and magically appearing lumber will keep the ostriches, horses and Longhorns from becoming permanent residents of the freezer section.
There’s a dumb subplot involving Bear doing a half-assed repair on the windmill’s broken push rod. Since Bear is unable to accomplish anything without juvenile theatrics, he pretends he’s a “Bear Spider” and demonstrates thusly:
Bear babbles on about how climbing the windmill is like climbing the mast of a pirate ship, and the repaired push rod is like a peg leg, because pirates and mixed metaphors are definitely EXXXXTREME!
There’s finally an interstitial segment that doesn’t involve someone eating 10 jars of rancid mayonnaise. This one involves Bear making some Bush nunchucks and whipping them around.
He whacks himself a few times, which is only inevitable when dolts handle nunchucks.
A second subplot involves Birdy adding an old water heater and bathtub to the exterior of her house so she can wash her kitties. Yeah, her cats will LOVE that.
Birdy needs a bathtub, and Noah knows lots of people that have old crap like bathtubs lying around. She offers Noah a strange barter: If he can get her a bathtub, she’ll trade one of her Star Wars collectibles. Say what now?
Birdy’s into Star Wars cosplay or something, because she’s got some Jedi robes stashed somewhere we’ll never see. Of course, Noah’s main interests include robes and acting like a mystical warrior/monk, so he accepts the barter.
Birdy gets her bathtub, and she proceeds to wash herself and her clothes simultaneously. She plans on washing her dishes and her cats, probably also simultaneously.
Noah, She Who Will Not Be Named and son Elijah play dress up and have a lightsaber battle with two wooden poles. Even when there are large sticks being swung around, She Who Will Not Be Named refuses to put the kid down somewhere safe.
[DIGRESSION! I love Star Wars almost as much as I loathe Alaskan Bush People. For a brief moment, I forget the intense rage this show induces. Then Billy starts talking and I remember.]
Billy’s too tired to deliver his usual long-winded spiel, but he wrote down the main talking points and has Gabe say most of it.
Here’s Bear fighting to survive during the Palmer Fire. He’s whining about having to stay at a hotel.
I am comforted by the thought that very episode brings us one more closer to cancellation.
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 8/7c, Discovery Channel
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R
Excellent review as always Ryan. What is the latest between Raiv3n and mr. extreme? Even though I never watch the show anymore, everytime I see even a screenshot from the show I immediately feel like I need a shower. I sincerely feel so sorry for this new generation that is already being subjected to the incomprehensible idiocy and childish behavior and actions of this entire group of clowns. I was reading about all this stuff in the past 18 months that christmas candy corn raindrop has said/posted about staying strong, life choices and just advice in general. Forgive me but, how old is she and I don't believe she is qualified, nor even have the common sense, to be doling out any type of advice to anyone when she hasn't even graduated high school yet. It really is more sad than anything else when you truly think about it. Matt is the kindest and most genuine member of their family and they won't even allow him to be on the show bc Billy is jealous of his own GROWN children's ages and desire to not be micro-managed by his dictatorship. Have you heard anything at all about Matt's possible return to the show?
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It's been really quiet on the Bear/Raiv3n front. As for Matt, this news broke yesterday: https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/1467583/alaskan-bush-peoples-matt-brown-raping-two-women/
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R
I looked this story up and one thing I found odd... why is only The Sun reporting on this? No other source at all has said a word about this. Not accusing anybody of anything but the alleged incident took place a while ago, and only one source is reporting it, and police looked into it and didn't press charges. Again, if this happened it is terrible... but I am not sure this story looks rock solid and kind of seems like somebody is getting paid for the story.
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The Sun had been reporting on how happy Matt is now in California. The accusers then contacted The Sun to share their story. A few other media outlets have since picked up on it but have not reported anything additional to what The Sun already revealed. For whatever reason, the authorities didn't press charges at the time. Matt went to rehab, was "fired" from the show and the story was covered up. I doubt we'll ever get to the truth on this. The accusers deserve to be heard, but I'm not making any presumption of Matt's guilt or innocence.
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100% the accuser should be heard. Agreed! And I of course would be the last person on earth to want to give the Browns a free pass on anything. And that would kind of make sense why Matt has not been allowed back on the show if he is recovered from the alcohol. And I definitely don't think either of us are making any presumptions as we weren't there. Just a couple of things I found odd was all.
This is part of where I feel the Browns are like the Teflon Don. In this day and age, Bear and Matt's even accusations of domestic violence or rape against women could easily end careers. It has happened many times in very recent times to actual A and B listers. The Browns... meh... they just keep on trucking and pumping out their crud show. Theft, fraud, statutory rape... meh... all in a days work. Seriously, the Browns can't be stopped by anything. It is head scratching.
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*This show is an absolute car crash
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I must say I am so so proud of myself. Completely forgot ABP was even still airing and missed reading last weeks recap. Everything about this show is yawn inducing. So I binge read two recaps.
ABP was up to 8th in the nightly cable ratings but really the ratings weren't all that different. 1.5 million old ladies and a .25 18-49. Still a bit surprising it is up at all. But the ABP fan base will apparently watch anything.
Honestly, I don't really have anything insightful or funny to add to this. All of all the shows in television history, THIS is the show that has a dedicated fan base that will go on forever? SMH
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I appreciate all your support, David! Alaska washed its hands of the Browns years ago, and you've still been sticking with us. Much love!
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I have been with you for around 6 years now Ryan. I am no quitter! We are both probably going to be on Social Security and still be doing this, but I will be here when it finally ends! That bottle of champagne has been on ice for a while now. As long as they can keep producing shows for $1.99 an episode and 1.5 million old ladies keep tuning in no sense in quitting. Kuddos to them. I can see the Park Slope production meetings... "We could try to come up with some sort of new story lines... but why? These people will watch absolutely anything!".
At one time not that many years ago it wouldn't have been that far fetched that all these kids were going to die virgins. But now that they started rutting and producing spawn that should keep the grandmas appeased for a while. Also, the first season or two were moderately interesting (even if in a train wreck way) but now, WOW is this bad. Stunningly bad really. This makes the first couple of seasons look like they are Emmy worthy. And the Alaskan backdrop was at times beautiful. Now... ooph! High mountain desert in Washington. Yawn.
If after season 2-3 what are the odds we would have bet against this still be going in 2020 and on season 12? 50-1, 100-1, 1,00-1? Crazy really.
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I pronounced the show dead after the PFD fraud charges. It's been a zombie show feasting on the brains of cat ladies for 10ish seasons.
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Ouch! I'm detecting a "journalistic loss of interest" in this review, there Ry! I lost it too when Birdbrain used 'wind shear' instead of what the weather people call them... 'wind gusts'! The producer in charge of the storylines came up with fake finding treasure maps and either someone higher up said hell no, we'll just get a bunch of 'treasure hunters' coming from everywhere to find it, or the producer had an episode of 'writer's block' and couldn't take it anywhere! Lol
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I've run into a moral dilemma now. Knowing that there's no such thing as bad publicity, I don't want to give this show any publicity.
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I just got done watching episode 5 and I can't believe I just spent an hour watching them try to figure out how to thaw a frozen waterline. I wish I could say I won't be watching anymore but I just have to see what they're gonna do next.
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Water turns to ice? Who knew?
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Bear pretends to sleep in a shipping container with rats, whines about a Hotel
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Wow, holy smokes, I immediately take back what I said about Matt being kind and genuine. I had absolutely no idea he could possibly be capable of such an atrocious thing. He appeared so much different on television. I feel so awful for both of those ladies. I guess It just goes to show that you really can't hardly trust anyone anymore, especially on tv.
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The accusers deserve to be heard, but I'm withholding any personal judgment on Matt's guilt or innocence. If nothing else, this reveals more about the toxic garbage stew that the Browns/Park Slope/Discovery cooked up and the great lengths they'll go to keep profiting from it.
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