Best Lines on TV This Week: 'We Must Face the Truth. The Jersey Devil Has Come to Sleepy Hollow'
Our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
Ichabod: "There was a rumor in my time, passed among woodsmen, of a beast in the Jersey woods. An amalgamation of creatures."
Abbie: "A monster in Jersey? That urban legend, still around. It will be nice if for once, the story was just a story."
Ichabod: "And yet, we must face the truth. The Jersey Devil has come to Sleepy Hollow."
— Ichabod (Tom Mison) and Abbie (Nicole Beharie) realize yet another monster has come to destroy their little town
Ichabod: "Sting of a scorpion. Claws of a wolf. Venom of a snake."
Abbie: "Oh, that's great. A menagerie of evil."
— Ichabbie realizes the Jersey Devil is the chimera of evil creatures
Leeds/Jersey Devil: "We meet again. My God! Had I known you were still alive we'd have had sherry and darts Friday nights."
Ichabod: "Maybe throw in some ritual murder for good measure."
— A long-overdue confrontation between former acquaintances is not all warm and fuzzy
Jenny: "This is insane. Immigration can't reject you as a citizen."
Joe: "You helped create the country."
Ichabod: "Yes, the irony is not lost."
— A founding father find himself rejected from being a naturalized citizen
You, Me, and the Apocalypse
"Thanks a bunch, Bruce Willis. Where are you now, eh, when we need you most? Yep. It’s Armageddon. The actual apocalypse. And where am I? Deep under the suburbs of suburbia watching it on telly."
— Jamie (Mathew Baynton) realizes real armageddon is nothing like the movie Armageddon with Bruce Willis to save the day
"Hey! All right, Paula? I've returned to resume our 'will-they-won't-they' romantic tango."
— Dave (Joel Fry) greets his best friend Jamie’s (Mathew Baynton) adoptive mother (Pauline Quirke) after their lengthy adventure
Jane the Virgin
“The bromance is coming back! The bromance is coming back!”
— Rogelio (Jaime Camil) channels viewers’ excitement at the rekindling of his “bromance” with Jane’s (Gina Rodriguez) former love, Michael (Brett Dier)
— Jane The Virgin (@CWJaneTheVirgin) March 1, 2016
"They say it takes a village to raise a family and run a company. Turns out, it just takes one little suck-up from marketing named Ben."
— Claire (Julie Bowen) shares her secret to being a working super mom
Claire: You churned ice cream?
Ben: "Yeah. Did the kids like it?"
Claire: "They loved it."
Claire: "But they know I can't make ice cream. I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog after three Bloody Marys. It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage for six years. You've got to dial it way back."
Ben: "Where is this fear and anger coming from?"
Claire: "You're gonna get us caught!"
Ben: "You knew the risks when we started this."
— Claire realizes there is a downside to appearing too perfect
— Modern Family (@ModernFam) March 3, 2016
Maggie: "Have you ever seen so much Kinfolk crafty crap?"
Liza: "And I guess the bonnet is back."
Maggie: "When did Williamsburg become actual Colonial Williamsburg?"
- Maggie (Debi Mazar) and Liza (Sutton Foster) poke fun at Brooklyn's "Brooklyn-ness"
Lauren: "Oh, my God. Are you baking pie?"
Maggie: "She's in a baking fugue. It's what she does when relationships end."
Lauren: "May I have a slice of your pain?"
Liza: "Oh, yeah, help yourself."
- Liza's friends benefit deliciously from her post-breakup pain
“The average foot speed of a Corgi is 10 m.p.h. which means with every passing second, that slippery bastard gets farther away.”
— Jake (Andy Samberg) thinks Cheddar the Corgi is a criminal mastermind
“I should have known I’d lose Charles. He’s so pocket-sized he could be anywhere!”
— Jake (Andy Samberg) is concerned for his missing—and temporarily blind—best friend
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“Yeah, my heart's still racing from chasing after a zig-zagging missile. I kinda felt like Harry Potter playing Quidditch.”
— Kara/Supergirl (Melissa Benoist) compares catching a nuclear missile to playing the Harry Pottery sport
2016 Academy Awards
"Hollywood’s sorority-racist; it’s like, 'We like you, Rhonda, but you’re not a Kappa.'"
— Chris Rock takes a dig at the exclusivity of Hollywood and the #OscarsSoWhite controversy
[To Chris Rock] "I loved you in Madagascar. He plays a zebra. He’s hilarious!"
— Jacob Tremblay continues his tour of cuteness while presenting at the Oscars
"I hate all of you because you don't know anything. You learn magic like parrot learns Shakespeare: tricks for birdseeds. You are all clever pets."
— Mayakovsky (Brían F. O'Byrne) proves to be a Brakebills instructor who is not easily impressed
"A great Magician is magic in his bones, blood, heart, and dick. Or lady parts. Whatever."
— Mayakovsky's crude explanation that magic has to be someone's whole life
"This magic gin better make us see unicorns that fart rainbows."
— Margo (Summer Bishil) does not like working to make "magic gin"
Meredith: "It was my first surgery Bailey, how do you not remember this?"
Baily: "You were an intern, Grey. You weren’t even a person to me yet."
— Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) is surprised that Bailey (Chandra Wilson) won’t reminisce with her
Marvel’s Agent Carter
Peggy: “How about collecting the dinner orders?”
Thompson: "You know what, Marge? ...I'm gonna do that for you."
— Peggy (Hayley Atwell) finally turns the tables on Chief Thompson (Chad Michael Murray) when he offers to help, and he agrees!
“Show of hands, who here invented a hover car? Nobody? I win.”
— Howard Carter (Dominic Cooper) one-ups his fellow scientists in the invention department
Howard: "How does a scientist become great?"
Jarvis: "According to you, by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and cavorting with loose women.”
— Jarvis (James D’Arcy) points out Howard Stark’s (Dominic Cooper) unorthodox method of going about his scientific studies
— Agent Carter (@AgentCarterTV) March 2, 2016
Wander Over Yonder
“What’s your favourite one of my many, many outstanding traits? Mine’s my humility.”
— Lord Hater (Keith Ferguson) doesn’t quite understand how to ask Dominator (Noel Wells) questions about herself
Audra: "Sweetheart, here’s what you’re not understanding. I’m street smart!"
Rebecca: "Oh because you minored in Urban Planning?"
— Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) calling out her childhood rival Audra Lavine (Rachel Grate)
Nellie: "Um should we really be reading a book about birth control? Like, honestly, this is basically a how-to guide to sex."
Hannah: "Yeah, you’re welcome."
Nellie: "Yeah, that’s inappropriate."
[Knock on the door]
Woman: "Miss Horvath, there’s an urgent call for you in Principal Toby’s office."
Hannah: "Urgent? Who is it?"
Woman: "I couldn’t make out the name actually. He’s [whispers] crying."
Hannah: "Okay, Nellie, I’m gonna leave you in charge because you have a very authoritative presence, but I don’t want to use this time to continue to preach your own agenda."
— Hannah’s (Lena Dunham) 8th grade teaching job is going swimmingly
DC's Legends of Tomorrow
Rip: "They're iron-willed and battle-hardened. The most formidable warriors to navigate time and space."
[Cut to inside the Acheron]
Ray: "Captain's log. Stardate 837.9. We're awaiting word from the away team aboard the Acheron."
Kendra: "I hate to break it to you, but you're no Captain Kirk. You're Picard."
Ray: "But Picard was cautious, pontificating, sort of sexless."
Kendra: "Well, tell that to Vash. And for the record, Picard was way hotter than Kirk."
— Rip (Arthur Darvill) tries to convince space pirates of his crew's warrior moves...without realizing there's more goofing and flirting going on than fighting