Game of Thrones: Who Fared Best, and Who Got Screwed?

In Game of Thrones‘ Season 5 premiere, Jaime vowed to go to Dorne to fetch his and Cersei’s daughter Myrcella, Cousin Lancel made a sharp turn to asceticism that can’t mean anything good for Cersei, and Varys schemed to hook up Tyrion and Daenerys (not in that way), a move that should bear some promising fruit. Here’s who the gods smiled upon this week, and who had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Who Had It Best

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Tyrion

​The Imp finally got out of his traveling crate! Sea passage is never fun (see: Titanic, and that was a luxury ocean liner, not a Pentoshi scow or whatever), but it’s got to be 100 times worse when you’re confined to a wooden box and have to poke your excrement through its airholes so it can be thrown overboard by a eunuch because the crew can’t know you exist. So hooray for Tyrion, even if he does resolve to drink himself to death in sunny Essos.

Daenerys

​Dany got laid! Daario Naharis returns from a newly pacified Yunkai to his Dragon Queen in Meereen. Daario proves himself a pretty decent counselor in addition to a dynamite lay (we’re assuming), telling her that reopening the fighting pits in the cities she’s conquered would actually be a good gesture to the people. After all, he came up in the fighting pits. Dany, girl, if the fighting pits can give us one Daario, why not more?

Who Had It Worst

White Rat

The Unsullied got his throat cut in a brothel by a Son of the Harpy. Being an Unsullied, and thus lacking the equipment necessary for normal brothel activities, he was just there to hang out and be held, to experience affection he’d never received in his life, before now. Way to be total wangs (sorry), Sons of the Harpy.

Mance Rayder

​The King Beyond the Wall was burned alive for refusing to surrender to Stannis Baratheon and tell his people, the Free Folk, to bleed for Stannis‘ cause. But there is a silver lining here: Jon Snow, who actually does know something, at least when it comes to the timely application of mercy, shot an arrow straight into Mance’s heart after the screaming became a bit too uncomfortable for everyone but Melisandre, that weirdo.