The 65+ Best Lines Said on TV in 2015
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
"I'll be damned. Tatooine."— Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) realizes he's landed in a galaxy far, far away when he sees the mysterious blue planet for the first time
iZombie
Liv: “Have you noticed Final Hope hates me?”
Ravi: “Her name is New Hope. Not Final Hope. You know this. If I wanted to give her a depressing name, I would have gone with Phantom Menace.”
— Liv (Rose McIver) worries about her likability from the cured zombie rat, while Ravi (Rahul Kohli) gets in a good zinger about everyone’s most-hated Star Wars movie
Supergirl
"Robot? Wait, what kind of robot are we talking, like a C3PO? Terminator? Roomba?"— Winn (Jeremy Jordan) reveals his inner nerd upon learning Kara (Melissa Benoist) is fighting a DEO robot (Red Tornado)
The Flash
"It's just...the rules keep changing. One day I have to run through time, the next I'm fighting a telepathic gorilla, and now we're what? We're chasing down an immortal madman on a rampage against down a reincarnated warrior priestess? I just never thought I'd have superpowers and feel more powerless than I ever have in my entire life."— Barry (Grant Gustin) sums up his crazy life (and the crazy Flash plots) in just a few sentences
Grimm
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this. I mean, a really bad feeling. I mean, a feeling so bad that it’s got to mean something. Something bad.”
— Bud (Danny Bruno) overuses repetition to foreshadow the Wesen uprising
Elementary
Joan: “I thought a spoonful of sugar might help.”
Sherlock: “I always found a crowbar works better.”
—Holmes (Jonny Lee Miller) has a different idea for what might mend Watson’s (Lucy Liu) relationship with her mom
A Very Murray Christmas
Jackie: "Bill, Billy, this sad excuse for a Christmas special...starting to seem more like a Christ-mess, as in what a mess."Bill: "We have George Clooney."
Jackie: "I rest my case. You saw Monuments Men?"
Bill: "I was in it."
— Jackie (Michael Cera) tries, very unsuccessfully, to woo Bill Murray (playing himself) as a client
The Middle
"You know, it's just not fair! The people who go to church squeeze out the people who sometimes go to church!"— Frankie (Patricia Heaton) complains about being pushed out of Christmas service while revealing how the Hecks prioritize service
Fresh Off the Boat
“Individual Cornish Hens. They’re the personal pizzas of the bird world.”— Louis (Randall Park) suggests an alternate Thanksgiving protein
The Muppets
“My life is a bacon-wrapped hell on earth.”
— Kermit muses on his contentious relationship with Miss Piggy
Once Upon a Time
“I kind of ate the only boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
— Ruby AKA Red Riding Hood (Meghan Ory) confesses she doesn’t have the greatest track record with men
You’re the Worst
“There comes a day when every relationship turns gross, old and boring. Like Ben Affleck and Jennifer ‘Gardener.'”
— Lindsay (Kether Donohue) explains her glass half empty point of view on relationships with Gretchen (Aya Cash) while also mispronouncing Jennifer Garner’s name
The Big Bang Theory
"Then it's settled. Amy's present will be my genitals."— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons) reveals his birthday gift for Amy (Mayim Bialik) to Penny (Kaley Cuoco) and Bernadette (Melissa Rauch)
Jane the Virgin
"You were right... there was chemistry. But let's be real, I would have chemistry with a cardboard box."— Rogelio (Jaimie Camil) expressing confidence in his sex appeal
Bachelor in Paradise
“This chick is like a chessmaster. Only instead of chess pieces, it’s dudes and the end game is total destruction.”
— Tanner explaining the complexities of Samantha’s strategy to find a soulmate
Young & Hungry
“To you, I’m just a trophy to win. Well guess what—I’m no prize! …Okay, alright, I am a prize but not yours.” — Gabi (Emily Osment) is not pleased with Josh’s (Jonathan Sadowski) declaration of love
Odd Mom Out
“You parent people think it’s your kids making you tired, but it’s just old age. I get exhausted walking home from the liquor store.”— Vanessa (K.K. Glick) reveals to Jill (Jill Kargman) how age is blame for everything
The Real Housewives of New York City
“Trying to get Ramona laid is like Saving Private Ryan. We’re all going to die trying.”— Bethenny Frankel thinks getting Ramona Singer some sexy time will be a near-impossible mission
How to Get Away With Murder
Michaela: “You do realize I’m not scared to hit a bitch?”
Laurel: “Fine, just throw me down the stairs. You did a pretty good job with Sam.”
— Michaela (Aja Naomi King) and Laurel (Karla Souza) show they still have bad blood after last season’s happenings
Superstore
“I mean, I can’t compete with these geisha features. He looks like a panda and a Disney princess had a baby.”
— Glenn (Mark McKinney) feels depressed about Jonah’s (Ben Feldman) cute looks
“Why would anybody be attracted to Jonah? He looks like a villain on the CW.”
— Mateo (Nico Santos), however, has a different take on Jonah’s attractiveness
black-ish
“Nancy specializes in making one character happily settle for another character who is clearly wrong for them.”— Junior (Marcus Scribner) knows his Nancy Meyers movie tropes
The Mindy Project
“Christmas? That’s three Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup shapes away from now!”— Mindy (Mindy Kaling) shares the delicious way that she keeps track of time
Master of None
“Is Mindy Kaling real?”— Anush’s (Gerrard Lobo) world shatters after learning that Fisher Stevens is not a real Indian actor...which leads him to question if Kaling is real, too
Scorpion
"I'm like mold sporing on aged cheese. At first it's gross, but it grows on you. And eventually, you realize how precious it is, what a rare and wonderful fungus you have."— Toby (Eddie Kaye Thomas) tries to sell the charms of his personality to a skeptical Happy (Jadyn Wong)
Sleepy Hollow
“Spaghetti and Musketballs, ‘Cannot Tell a Lie’ Cherry Pie, Eggs Benedict Arnold! For shame, for shame.”
— Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) is horrified at how the colonial era has become commercialized
Empire
“Why you look like Mr. T?”
— Lucious (Terrence Howard) wonders if Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) took some fashion advice from an A-Team member
Project Runway
“I always ask myself, ‘Would Helen Mirren wear this?’”— Tim Gunn shares his criteria for deciding if an outfit is too matronly
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
“What’s up with your resting Maggie Smith face?”
— Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) comes up with a creative description for Greg’s (Santino Ferrara) expression
Arrow
"You know, if I knew you were surrounded by so many pretty girls, Oliver, I would have stopped by sooner."— Constantine (Matt Ryan) comments on Oliver's (Stephen Amell) friends
Pretty Little Liars
“It’s kind of hard to hunt for clues and pick emojis at the same time.”
— Aria Montgomery (Lucy Hale) discovers that multitasking can be a challenge
The Flash
Are we just gonna make a Tinder app for potential metahumans? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure merging with Stein and randomly bursting into flames sounds like the biggest ‘swipe left’ of all time.”
— Cisco (Carlos Valdes) on finding a match for Firestorm to save Professor Stein’s life
Brookyn Nine-Nine
“I did some research on amicable breakups. I visited www.ladiesgoodhealthmag.com/6-relationships/8675999904/9432&20.html. Do you know that site?”
— Captain Holt (Andre Braugher) gets really, really specific with his website URLs. (Also: visit ladiesgoodhealthmag.com for a special treat.)
Inside Amy Schumer
"Remember, women can't deny the authority of therapy and/or Oprah."— Amy Schumer tells men the key to understanding women
Key & Peele
“We say ‘yo ho,’ but we don’t say ‘ho’ / ‘Cause ho is disrespectful, yo.”— Keegan Michael-Key and Jordan Peele play with words in their pirate-themed song
The Daily Show
"I'm going to have dinner on a school night with my family, who I have heard, from multiple sources, are lovely people."— Jon Stewart on what he has to look forward to once he retires from The Daily Show
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
"Time out! Well on the downside I'll probably be grounded for life, but on the plus side… I got Kelly Kapowski pregnant."— Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and the rest of the Saved by the Bell cast members reunited for a sketch on Jimmy Fallon
The Librarians
“If I knew there was this much wealth on display in college, I’d have bought into higher education a lot sooner.”— Ezekiel Jones (John Kim) can’t believe the worth of the watch he just stole from a student
Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell
“Good magicians conjure up fairy spirits and long-dead kings. I appear to have summoned the spirit of a banker. However, at least I am a magician.”
— Jonathan Strange (Bertie Carvel) shrugs off the downside to his learning curve by focusing on the positive
The Grinder
Cliff: What matters is what the fans are saying on Twitter…
Dean: The true barometer of success.
— Cliff (Jason Alexander) and Dean (Rob Lowe) share the measure of true success
Grandfathered
Jimmy: “That’s Annelise, our wacky neighbor who comes over uninvited and eats all our food.”
Annelise: “I’m their Kramer.”
— Jimmy (John Stamos) and Annelise (Kelly Jenrette) make a Seinfeld reference
Supergirl
“If I wanted to have sex with a Beach Boy, I’d still be sleeping with John Stamos.”
— Cat (Calista Flockhart) gets testy when talking about her email hack to Kara (Melissa Benoist)
Doctor Who
“My first proper alien and he’s an idiot.”
— Bennet (Arsher Ali) expresses his disappointment about the first alien he meets (though it’s not the Doctor)
Marvel's Jessica Jones
Kilgrave: "Kevin died in that lab."Jessica: "Granted, it is a mundane name, but Kilgrave? Talk about obvious. Was 'Murdercorpse' already taken?"
Claire: "Guess it's just harder to believe someone would call himself...Kilgrave. I mean, why not just 'Snuffcarcass'?"
— Two separate hilarious instances where Kilgrave's (David Tennant) choice of a new name is questioned
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Wuntz: "Hello, Raymond. You're looking old and sickly."Holt: "So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland."
Wuntz: "Sticks and stones, Raymond."
Holt: "Describing your breakfast? I came out as a gay cop in the 1980s, so it's gonna take more than reassigning me to break my spirit."
— Archenemies Captain Holt (André Braugher) and Madeline Wuntz (Kyra Sedgwick) trade a war of words
Mad Men
Don:"How do I describe California in a way that won't make them jealous?"Ted: "Tell them my ex-wife lives there."
— Don (Jon Hamm) is trying to "save the firm, one last time," while Ted (Kevin Rahm) has come to terms with the move to California
Archer
"Why are your plans always so complicated? You're like Wyle E. Coyote with access to predator drones."— Lana (Aisha Tyler) is irritated when Slater's (Christian Slater) elaborate plan fails to deliver
NCIS
“Look at him down there. McGee in the role of black market gun buyer. It’s the worst casting since Kevin Costner in Robin Hood.”
— Tony (Michael Weatherly) mocks an unconvincing undercover McGee (Sean Murray) while on stakeout
Quantico
“Let me guess, we’ll be surveilling each other. Secrets will be revealed and lessons will be learned?”– Caleb (Graham Rogers) unintentionally outlines how most Quantico exercises (and the show's storylines) tend to go down
Another Period
“Dear God, please free me. And if you have time, make me really famous. And while you’re at it, God, would you mind killing all my enemies in a fire? Ooh, but hopefully after they bathe, so their hair’s still wet and the fire takes longer to cook them!”
— Lillian (Natasha Leggero) has an interesting set of prayer requests
The Walking Dead
"No matter what we find in D.C., I know we'll be OK because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead"— Rick (Andrew Lincoln) gives a depressing pep talk to his group of survivors, with an on-the-nose reference to the show's title
Modern Family
“There is no such thing as a ‘born cheerleader.’ It takes hard work and sacrifice. You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries.”
— Phil (Ty Burrell) schools Claire (Julie Bowen) after she called him a “born cheerleader.”
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Jake: “Looks like we’ve both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss.”
Holt: “Yes, yours is an idiot, and mine is a fork-tongued lizard witch.”
— Jake (Andy Samberg) and Captain Holt (André Braugher) exchange “pleasantries” about their bosses
Scandal
“Do you want to be a babysitter, or do you want to be a boss?”
— Olivia (Kerry Washington) tries to manipulate Ian (Jason Butler Harner)
Scream Queens
"I mean, I'm all for public shaming. I practically invented it. It's the sign of a healthy culture. But not when I'm the one getting shamed."— Chanel (Emma Roberts) doesn't like the taste of her own medicine
Bob's Burgers
"A mayonnaise hair treatment? Mom's hair is going to shine like a beautiful sandwich."— Tina and the rest of the Belcher clan prepare to shower matriarch Linda with a Homemade Spa Day for her birthday
The Mindy Project
"This is not some two-bit family business where you can store your unemployable family members. This is not Wahlburgers."— Dr. Gurgler (Tate Ellington) quickly shoots down Mindy's (Mindy Kaling) decision to hire her brother, Rishi (Utkarsh Ambudkar) for their joint business venture
Mr. Robot
“We live in a kingdom of bulls—t. A kingdom you’ve lived in for far too long. So don’t tell me about not being real. I’m no less real than the f—king beef patty in your Big Mac.”
— Mr. Robot (Christian Slater) preaching the anti-corporate gospel to Elliot (Rami Malek)
Stitchers
“There are two things in the world that terrify me: rats and hairy backs.”— Camille (Allison Scagliotti) listing her not-so favorite things (and we totally agree with her)
Younger
"There was nowhere to run. It was like being trapped in a cage with rabid hipsters. If there's such a thing as artisanal steroids, I'm pretty sure they were on them."— Liza (Sutton Foster) recounts the terror of dodgeball
BoJack Horseman
“I’m calling this road trip the 007, because we’re gonna bond!”— BoJack (Will Arnett) using James Bond to foreshadow his road trip with Kelsey (Maria Bamford)
Game of Thrones
“Long sullen silences and an occasional punch in the face: The Mormont way.”
—Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) grows tired of Jorah’s (Iain Glen) company
Suits
“How dare you defile Game of Thrones by comparing Harvey to Jon Snow.”
— Louis (Rick Hoffman) is not pleased that Harvey (Gabriel Macht) has been compared to Jon Snow
Girls
Ray: "That's great news. I'm so happy for her."Hannah: "I'm so happy for everyone."
Ray: "I'm faking it."
Hannah: "I'm faking everything."
— Ray (Alex Karpovsky) and Hannah (Lena Dunham) concede their true feelings about Marnie's engagement and the plight of all twentysomethings
Modern Family
“Don’t let your skinny jeans cut off the blood to your hearts.”— Phil (Ty Burrell) tries to give some feel-good advice to a group of teen boys that include his son and nephew
Jane the Virgin
“Clear eyes, full carts, let’s shop!”
— Jane (Gina Rodriguez) takes a cue from Friday Night Lights for her Target shopping strategy with Rafael the #BlackFridayVirgin
Gravity Falls
“Why aren’t they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school is like some sort of musical.”— Mabel unknowingly makes a reference to Disney’s High School Musical
Teen Choice Awards 2015
“Change. It’s a scary word, or I used to think that, because it meant new beginnings. New beginnings with a future that was unknown. But change is necessary. Necessary for you to grow up and learn and to better yourself, because everything in life comes to an end.”
— Nina Dobrev sharing why it was important to move on from The Vampire Diaries in her Teen Choice Awards acceptance speech
