Best Lines on TV This Week (August 5-11): ‘Do Pants Count as Organic Matter?’

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BRYAN ABASOLO, RACHEL LINDSAY, CHRIS HARRISON

The Bachelorette

Rachel: “I cried my eyelashes off.”

-Rachel Lindsay recalls the aftermath of her difficult breakup with Peter.

Julie Klausner, Billy Eichner
KC Bailey/Hulu

Difficult People

Billy: “You need to get yourself one of those meditation apps, that way you can be one of those people who feels superior to other people because you meditate.”

-Billy (Billy Eichner) and Julie (Julie Klausner) brainstorm ways to relax before attending Passover Seder.

Rick and Morty
Adult Swim

Rick & Morty

Dr. Wong: “Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family—you included—use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse and I think it’s because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it’s your mind within your control. You chose to come here. You chose to talk to belittle my vocation just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces—your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I’m bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass, because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it’s not an adventure. There’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work and the bottom line is some people are okay going to work and some people…well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. [beep beep] That’s our time. I’m going to give you guys my card and hope to hear from you again and if you have any friends or family that eat poop and would like to stop, give them my number.”

-Family (and coprophagia) therapist Dr. Wong (Susan Sarandon) tells Rick (Justin Roiland) what she thinks is wrong with him.

Claws - Harold Perrineau
DOUG HYUN/TNT

Claws

Dean: “Virginia loves me. She loves me, and she helps me when I get upset, and I help her, too, and she may have food issues that place her on the autistic spectrum, so we’re an excellent match. Also, I love sex.”

-Dean (Harold Perrineau) asking for his sister Desna’s (Niecy Nash) blessing to marry his girlfriend Virginia (Karrueche Tran).

Carpool Karaoke - Will Smith and James Corden
Apple Music

Carpool Karaoke: The Series

James: “Have you ever been asked—has there ever been a conversation—has anyone said to you, ‘Would you play Barack Obama in a movie?’ Someone must have called you about that.”
Will: “Yes.”
James: “Yeah? Is that something that you—”
Will: “Yeah. I talked to Barack about it.”
James: “Did you?”
Will: “Yeah.”
James: “What did he say?”
Will: “He told me that he felt confident that I had the ears for the role.”

-James Corden and Will Smith discuss Will’s potential future playing our former president.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Scott Kowalchyk/CBS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Stephen: “And the thing is, these scientists are not totally crazy to think the administration might kill this report because just yesterday, we learned the Department of Agriculture issued a memo instructing staff to avoid using certain terms. Apparently, ‘climate change’ is in the ‘avoid’ category. Yes, climate change should be in the ‘avoid’ category so we can stay out of the ‘dead’ category. Apparently, ‘climate change’ and ‘climate change adaptation’ are to be replaced by ‘weather extremes’ and ‘resilience to weather extremes’ and the term ‘reduce greenhouse gasses’ has been blacklisted in favor of ‘build soil organic matter’. Do pants count as organic matter because today’s news is making me build soil in them.”

-Stephen Colbert’s reaction to the fact that the New York Times leaked a government report on climate change “out of fear that the Trump administration could change or suppress” it.

American Dad
TBS

American Dad!

Francine: “I only had a short phone call with my father but, when you’re family, you connect on a whole other level. You guys wouldn’t understand.”
Steve: “We have a family! This one!”
Francine: “Hmm. How do I explain this? Okay, this is my origin story—like Batman! His parents were bats. Now I’m finding out where I came from. My whole extended family is going to be at dad’s for a reunion. It’s gonna be like my Fortress of Solitude—people everywhere!”

-Francine (Wendy Schaal) reveals her limited knowledge of comics when explaining to Steve (Scott Grimes) why she feels the need to meet her birth father.

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