TV’s Best Lines This Week: Turtle Talk and Verbal Sparring

The Big Bang Theory

“Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow.”

— Amy (Mayim Bialik) talks to a turtle about her relationship with Sheldon (Jim Parsons).

The Mindy Project

“I lie for you all the time. Remember when I told that cop in the park we were just two male friends wrestling?”

— Mindy (Mindy Kaling) feels betrayed when her baby daddy, Danny (Chris Messina), won’t return the favor and lie for her.

The Odd Couple

“Oh he’ll be gone the whole rest of the day, I sent him to the Container Store. It’s his happy place. He always says the only thing that they can’t contain is his enthusiasm for the Container Store.”

— Oscar (Matthew Perry) clues us in on how much of a neat freak his roommate Felix (Thomas Lennon) truly is.

The Middle

“I just stop at every light, count to five, and then go.”

— Tag (Jerry Van Dyke) demonstrates why he shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car anymore.

Archer

“Why are your plans always so complicated? You’re like Wyle E. Coyote with access to predator drones.”

— Lana (Aisha Tyler) is irritated when Slater’s (Christian Slater) elaborate plan fails to deliver.

Modern Family

“Why are you smiling like that? Did something happen to Mom?”

— Mitch (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) knows only bad news about his mother could make his father Jay (Ed O’Neill) that elated.

Empire

“I got what I needed from her and I got rid of her. Whoops, I think I did that to you, too.”

— Luscious (Terrence Howard) taunts Baretti (Judd Nelson).

Scandal

“You want to tell everybody on the Hill that you came down to the ‘hood and saved us. No thank you, Olivia. Your black card is not getting validated today.”

— Olivia (Kerry Washington) tells Marcus (Cornelius Smith) takes a swipe at Olivia (Kerry Washington)

Downton Abbey

“I don’t think that’d be sensible, Mr. Bates. We can’t have you wobbly at both ends.”

— Thomas Barrow (Rob James-Collier) offers advice when Mr. Bates (Brendan Coyle), who already walks with a limp, says he’d cut off his arm if it would help his wife.

The Walking Dead

“If I didn’t win reelection, I was gonna be a professional poker player. [whispering] I’m not kidding.”

— Congresswoman Deana Monroe (Tovah Feldshuh) reveals she always had a back-up plan.