Best Lines of the Week (Mar. 13-20): ‘The Beanie Baby of Today Is a Bottle of Purell’

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Timothy Kuratek/CBS; The CW; Hulu
Evan Rachel Wood - Westworld Season 3

Westworld (HBO)

“The real gods are coming. And they’re very angry.”

– Dolores (Evan Rachel Wood) wreaks vengeance in the “real world.”

Jimmy Fallon does the 'Tonight Show' at home

The Tonight Show: At Home Edition (NBC/YouTube)

“That was a funny joke! Did you like it?”


– Jimmy Fallon’s daughters prove a tough audience as he films the show from his home.

Roxy Woods and Nicole Maines in 'Supergirl'
Shane Harvey/The CW

Supergirl (The CW)

“You feel like you’re the only one protecting your community, but you’re not alone. You have me.”

– Kara (Melissa Benoist) vows to help Nia (Nicole Maines) protect trans women.

Chris and Andrew Cuomo on CNN.

Cuomo Prime Time (CNN)

“I know you’re working hard for your state, but no matter how long you’re working, there’s always time to call mom. She wants to hear from you.”

– CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gets personal in an interview with his brother, New York state governor Andrew Cuomo.

Stephen Colbert

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS)

“As you may have noticed, none of you are here right now.”

– Stephen Colbert delivers his opening monologue to an empty house.

Little Fires Everywhere - Episode 1 - Reese Witherspoon and Joshua Jackson

Little Fires Everywhere (Hulu)

Elena: “It’s not Wednesday or Saturday.”

Bill: “You know, we are allowed to have sex on other days.”

Elena: “But it’s so much more fun when we plan it.”

– Elena (Reese Witherspoon) sets strict limits in the bedroom with her husband (Joshua Jackson).

Samantha Bee in Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (TBS)

“It’s deeply sad that the Beanie Baby of today is a two-ounce bottle of Purell, but here we are.”

– Samantha Bee offers pandemic survival advice and commentary from a woodshed.

Zach Woods in 'Avenue 5'
Alex Bailey/HBO

Avenue 5 (HBO)

“I’ve been itemizing my thoughts. Thought 309: every year we pass the pre-anniversary of our death, but we don’t even know it, so we don’t get presents.”

– Matt (Zach Woods) has an existential crisis.

Whoopi Goldberg

The View (ABC)

“I can’t tell who’s yelling at me right now.”

– Megan McCain spars with her co-host Whoopi Goldberg, even as Whoopi calls in from home.

RHONJ Reunion 2020
Heidi Gutman/Bravo

Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo)

“I don’t need to be an Original Granny like you.”

– Margaret Josephs calls Danielle Staub a different kind of O.G.

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This week, late night and daytime television started to feel the impact of COVID-19 on production: Jimmy Fallon hosted from home, Whoopi Goldberg video-called into The View, and Stephen Colbert delivered his monologue to an empty theater.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom, though: this week also brought the premiere of Reese Witherspoon’s Little Fires Everywhere and a new season of Westworld. Plus, Supergirl addressed anti-trans violence in a very special episode.

Click through the gallery above for a roundup of this week’s best quotes from TV.