Best Lines on TV This Week: 'Someday Sounds a Lot Like the Thing People Say When They Actually Mean Never.'
Our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
"'Someday' sounds a lot like the thing people say when they actually mean 'never.'"
—Is Dolores (Evan Rachel Wood) finally coming to the realization that Teddy's (James Marsden) promises are probably quite empty?
"The truth of the matter is that every decision made by any member of my administration is my decision. The buck, as they say, stops with me, because when you are in charge, everything that your team does is on you. And I trust my team."
—Oliver (Stephen Amell) sets the record straight at a press conference as Thea (Willa Holland) and the new Team Arrow watch on.
This is Us
Toby: “I told you I was married before.”
Kate: “Not to that!”
—Kate’s (Chrissy Metz) reaction to seeing Toby’s ex-wife for the first time.
“You haven’t cornered the market on problems, Kate.”
—Toby (Chris Sullivan) to Kate on how his failed marriage led to thoughts of suicide.
“The fact that my daughter doesn’t find anything unusual about her playing Snow White, that’s the whole idea, right?”
—Randall (Sterling K. Brown) to William (Ron Cephas Jones) on how he wants to raise his children.
Jack: “He says to me, ‘It’s a magic t-shirt.’ He said that when you wear it, your enemies will see you exactly as you want to be seen and only that way. Whether it’s a warrior or a princess, whatever you want.”
Young Kate: “Does it work?”
Jack: “You tell me. I was wearing this shirt the night I met your mom, and she thought I was the handsomest man in the world.”
Young Kate: “You?!”
Jack: “Yeah, you know, me. Magic!”
—Jack (Milo Ventimiglia) gives young Kate (Mackenzie Hancsicsak) a much needed pep talk.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Mack: “Did two fire dudes just drop into a warehouse full of fireworks?”
Coulson: “You had to see that coming.”
—Coulson (Clark Gregg) and Mack (Henry Simmons) point out the obvious while watching Ghost Rider (Gabriel Luna) and James’ (Axle Whitehead) fight.
Meredith: “You just think you’re pregnant?”
Amelia: “I’m late. I’m never late. Never.”
Meredith: “So this isn’t real.”
Amelia: “Well, I can’t find the pregnancy test.”
Meredith: “Wait, I hugged you, and you haven’t even peed on a stick yet?”
—Amelia's (Caterina Scorsone) announcement to Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) that she may be pregnant doesn’t go quite the way she wanted it to.
— Brooklyn Nine-Nine (@Brooklyn99FOX) October 19, 2016
2 Broke Girls
Max: “I haven’t heard from Randy. Oleg’s graphic sext must have freaked him out. Even Siri covered her eyes after that last one he sent.”
Oleg: “You ask Michelangelo to paint, and then you criticize the painting!”
Max: “Why are you bringing the Ninja Turtles into this?”
—Max (Kat Dennings) isn’t pleased with Oleg (Jonathan Kite) texting Randy on her behalf.
Ana-Kat: “Oliver hit me in the nuts.”
Katie: “Sweetie, girls don’t have nuts.”
Ana-Kat: “I’m pretty sure they do…”
—Ana-Kat (Julia Butters) and her mom (Katy Mixon) have a debate about anatomy.
“Being a stay-at-home mom sucks, it does. But I’m like one of those Navy Seals that were sent to kill Osama Bin Laden.”
—Katie Otto (Katy Mixon) to her husband’s class on Skype, on why her job as a mom is important.
Fresh Off the Boat
Louis: “Wow, look at this mess.”
Jessica: “Look at this, batteries, an armless he-man, and a tooth. It’s like the contents of a shark’s stomach.”
—Louis (Randall Park) and Jessica (Constance Wu) are stunned by the mess their kids make.
Hester: “I’ve never seen Halloween.”
Denise: “Me neither. But I know Mike Myers played the bad guy. It was, like, the movie he did right after Wayne's World.”
—Denise (Niecey Nash) proves to Hester (Lea Michele) that she doesn’t know much about classic horror.
Sue: “It's my fault. It is all my fault. I kind of remember getting an e-mail with a lot of words in it like ‘fiscal’ ‘pursuant to’ and ‘subsidies’!”
Frankie: “Yeah, well, ‘pursuant to’ the situation, we are screwed! Why didn't you send it to us?”
Sue: “You said not to forward you so much stuff!”
Frankie: “Yeah, I was talking about the daily soup choices at the dining hall, not critical financial information!”
—Sue (Eden Sher) explains to Frankie (Patricia Heaton) and Mike (Neil Flynn) that she didn’t reapply for financial aid.
Judith: “You let me out of here!”
Wyatt: “Lady, I'm trying to protect you.”
Judith: “By kidnapping me from another kidnapper?”
—Judith (Elena Satine) doesn’t believe that Wyatt (Matt Lanter) has good intentions in keeping her away from Garcia Flynn (Goran Visnjic).
The Mindy Project
Ben: “So, how did that happen to Leo? I couldn't really understand from your message.”
Mindy: “What? I thought I was very clear. I got stuck under my own butt trying to do yoga, and Leo tripped when he was running to get help.”
Ben: “Yeah, no, you were clear then.”
—Mindy (Mindy Kaling) and Ben (Bryan Greenberg) discuss how Mindy’s son Leo hurt himself.
“Unemployed people in Manhattan just talk about cold brew coffee and Mr. Robot all day, it's awful.”
—Tamra (Xosha Roquemore) is happy to be back at work not that the nurses strike is over.
— Superstore (@NBCSuperstore) October 21, 2016
The Good Place
Eleanor: “Dude, this is good news. Michael’s going to get a chill retirement, which frankly he desperately needs, and I can finally relax. It’s forkin’ perfect!”
Chidi: “No, it’s terrible. Michael’s wrong, he’s not the problem.”
Eleanor: “Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So in that sense, he is the real problem!”
—Eleanor (Kristen Bell) tries to rationalize with Chidi (William Jackson Harper) that Michael (Ted Danson) being blamed for the problems is a good thing for her.
Snapper Carr: “I don't like you, and I never will, ponytail.”
Kara: “I don't need you to like me, jerk guy.”
Snapper Carr: “You're as bad at insults as you are at reporting.”
—Kara (Melissa Benoist) does not hit it off with her new boss, Snapper Carr (Ian Gomez).
The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: “When you’re going to live with someone, there’s gonna to be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.”
Sheldon: “I’m open to that.”
Amy: “OK, well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.”
Penny: “Sheldon, what do you say to that?”
Sheldon: “I think we should see other people.”
—Leonard (Johnny Galecki) and Penny (Kaley Cuoco) try to teach Sheldon (Jim Parsons) the importance of communicating with Amy (Mayim Bialik) once they live together.
Bruce: “We never got the chance to thank you for saving our lives from the ex-mayor."
Oswald: "That was nothing.”
Alfred: “Not at all. I find it very fortuitous you turned up when you did with that bazooka. I just felt a bit sorry for Stan, the gardener, 'cause he was picking up bits of Galavan for weeks."
Bruce: "And now here you are, the new mayor."
Oswald: "Sometimes life has a way of working out.”
—Bruce (David Mazouz) and Alfred (Sean Pertwee) thank newly elected mayor Oswald Cobblepot (Robin Lord Taylor) for handling the whole Galavan (James Frain) situation.