Dolores Catania tonight makes the safest bet in all of Real Housewives-dom: “My prediction is that the meeting is not going to go well.” Let’s see. Real Housewives of New Jersey. Public gathering place. Tables. Pointy metal objects. Cheese fries. Hot water with lemon. What could go wrong?
As it turns out, everything … and nothing. Although I had high hopes for the feud between Siggy “Soggy” Flicker and newbie Margaret Josephs, I’m already tired of rehashing the food fight fiasco and a little aggravated that Siggy so easily transfers her anger about the Boca blow-up from Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga to Margaret, a more convenient target.
Margaret is not blameless, of course. Dance with the one that brung ya, my grandpappy always said. Margaret should have reached out to Siggy before taking off for the beach with Siggy’s friends. And her mocking of Siggy’s admittedly ridiculously fragile emotional state didn’t help matters. But, as Margaret tells us, “Why is it on me to call her and not everybody else?”
The cake-flinging saga in Boca continues.
This is the Housewives stalling tactic I hate the most: Time is not ripe for a fight between the major players, so one housewife looks past the sins of another and gins up a feud with a third. Hence tonight’s showdown at the Tenafly Classic Diner, which severely lacked the crackle of squabbles past. It was actually incomprehensible at times, and not in the Teresa-screeching-dog-frequency kind of way. Something about pellets in one’s ass? Trying to one-up each other about the late, great Joan Rivers?
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
The ladies are back in Jersey, and busily recapping the Florida trip to their husbands, mothers, friends, co-workers, small children, garden gnomes, and neighbor squirrels. Joe Gorga does pick up on an interesting wrinkle: Dolores, an actual longtime friend of Teresa’s, sided with relative newcomer Siggy (although I believe he referred to her as Ziggy) in the Boca bust-up. Dolores explains that she just didn’t like Margaret using the situation to get close to Teresa and Melissa, and then tearing down Siggy behind her back.
Margaret visits Melissa at her Montclair boutique Envy, where she offers to introduce Melissa to some of her contacts in the retail world. Lo and behold, Danielle Staub also rolls up. What a coincidence. Still waiting for Danielle to unleash the crazy, or at least a little Danny Provenzano. Margaret invites them both to a party she’s throwing at her home to celebrate the launch of her cosmetic bag line, and Melissa wonders if Siggy is invited.
Margaret decides to be the bigger person, and calls Siggy to ask her to the party. (On speakerphone in front of the friends, because she’s not that big of a person.) Siggy coolly tells her that she is respectfully declining. “Too much stuff happened in Boca that I’m very upset about and it just wouldn’t be right for me to just walk in and be phony.”
Can’t argue with that. She’s supposed to just walk in and start throwing things.
Margaret, exasperated, asks her if they can’t move past this, and Siggy, switching to first person because drama queen, says, “No. You didn’t care about your friend Siggy.”
The entrepreneur claims she's a little TMI at times.
So Siggy won’t accept Margaret’s peace offering, but she’s up for drinks with Teresa. She tells Tre that they “have the most amazing friendship” — dude, Sam and Frodo you are not — but that she’s very upset about the Boca weekend. Teresa admits she did “let loose a little bit” but didn’t think Siggy’s reprimand outside her pal’s house was warranted. They both apologize, which lets Siggy move on to Margaret. We’re treated a montage of Siggy profanely railing against the newcomer, with Teresa uncharacteristically unable to get a word in edgewise. To us, Teresa says, “I don’t know if this is Soggy Siggy or Psycho Siggy. She’s definitely becoming unhinged.”
Meanwhile, Joe has a surprise for Melissa: He bought an Italian restaurant in East Hanover. Better than a paper-shredding truck, IMHO. (And it’s actually a pretty decent pizza and pasta joint; here’s my review.) Melissa, who suffered countless barbs from her Joe-Magnon husband over her own business, is angry that he blindsided her with such a big purchase. She seems to soften a tiny bit when he tells her that he bought it to keep his newly-widowed father Giacinto busy.
In New York City, Teresa and her rep James Leonard are meeting with the editors of Gallery Books, which is publishing her second memoir, “Standing Strong.” They tell her that she needs to “go deeper” in this book, which will reap financial rewards. And that’s why Teresa is suddenly hinting that she may divorce her incarcerated husband Joe, in case you were wondering.
It’s the night of Margaret’s launch party, and the Gorgas, Teresa and Danielle are in the house. Siggy and Dolores opt for a girl’s night in at Siggy’s house, complete with matching pajamas, mud masks, dancing and quaaludes. Oh, wait, the quaaludes were at my house.
Suffice it to say, much sniping at both soirees. And then the inevitable passive-aggressive text. Margaret: “It’s weird you’re not here, especially with the girls you introduced me to.” Ya think? Dolores is enraged, but Siggy suddenly decides that she owes it to Margaret to try to hash things out. Which leads us to Dolores’ prediction about the tete-a-tete, i.e. not going well.
At the diner the next day, Siggy once again makes her case: She introduced Margaret to her friends, and then Margaret made off with them. For the defense: It wasn’t intentional, and what’s the big deal, anyway? Siggy: You called me mean names. Margaret: At least I didn’t call you saggy. I’m hilarious. Siggy: I hate you. Margaret: Now that’s not very empowering. Siggy: I’m not trying to empower you. I’m trying to destroy you.
Hold on there, Sig Jong Un.
There the bickering descends into inanity. By the time Margaret drags Dolores into the conversation, saying that even Teresa and Melissa think Dolores is up Margaret’s butt, Siggy is crying. Again. “I actually feel horrible,” Margaret tells us, although her tone relays none of that. “My intention is not to ever make you cry,” she tells Siggy. “I’m trying to be funny. I'm very sorry that I hurt you. That is a true apology.”
Sort of. “I’m just (f*cking) obnoxious,” Margaret says. “I can’t help it.”
She should fit in just fine.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Wednesdays, 9/8c, Bravo