Best Lines on TV This Week: Stating the Obvious

The Unauthorized Full House Story

“Wouldn’t it be great if real life were more like Full House?”
— Dave Coulier (Justin Mader) mourning the end of his marriage

Hannibal

“[I]t is very hard to…uh, to concentrate when you are scared.”
— Dr. Frederick Chilton (Raul Esparza) stating the obvious in the face of fear

Suits

“Confession is supposed to be good for the soul. No one ever said it had to be done in a cold, dark box.”
— Father Scott (Scott Michael Campbell) revealing to Mike (Patrick J. Adams) why they’re not using a confessional

Devious Maids

“When did we become maids who solve murders?”
— Carmen (Roselyn Sanchez) questioning Marisol’s (Ana Ortiz) snooping (while simultaneously wink-winking at what Devious Maids is about)

Scream

“He’s not going to kill her during a dance sequence.”
— Noah (John Karna) explaining why he chose to DJ the dance rather than keep Emma away from Kieran

Playing House

Emma: “I’ve been watching a lot of Steve Harvey lately. Ever since Oprah went off the air I don’t know what to do.”
Mark: “You’re preaching to the choir, sister.”
— Emma (Jessica St. Clair) and Mark (Keegan-Michael Key) discussing the lack of quality daytime talk shows

Bachelor in Paradise

“This chick is like a chessmaster. Only instead of chess pieces, it’s dudes and the end game is total destruction.”
— Tanner sharing Samantha’s strategy

Vicious

Stuart: “Can you carry one of these bags?”
Freddie: “No. I told you my arm hurts. Pushing you away from me every night for 50 years has taken a toll on my body.”
Stuart: “So has gravity.”
— Long time couple Stuart (Derek Jacobi) and Freddie (Ian McKellen) bickering not-so-good naturedly as they return from the grocery store

Blunt Talk

Shelly: “Does that bother you?”
Walter: “No. I’m English.”
— Walter (Patrick Stewart) reassuring Shelly (Mary Holland) that her big reveal doesn’t phase him.