Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘I Feel So Completely, Completely Happy’

TV Insider Staff March 12, 2016, 11:00 am

Our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.

Downton Abbey

Edith: “It’s so strange, I feel so completely, completely happy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that before.”
Robert: “But you will now, for a long time to come.”
— Edith (Laura Carmichael) marvels that she’s finally(!) getting a happy ending

Violet: “We didn’t always think there’d be a happy ending for Edith.”
Isobel: “Well, there’s a lot at risk, but with any luck they’ll be happy enough.”
Violet: “Which is the English version of a happy ending.”
Isobel: “What do you think makes the English the way we are?”
Violet: “I don’t know. Opinions differ. Some say our history, but I blame the weather.”
— Violet (Maggie Smith) and Isobel (Penelope Wilton) debate true happy endings

“The estate’s safe in Mary’s hands with Henry and Tom to help her. Edith has risen from the cinders in the hearth to be kissed by her very own Prince Charming. What more can we ask?”
— Robert (Hugh Bonneville) has a hard time believe all’s well that ends well

Violet: “Makes me smile, the way every year we drink to the future, whatever it may bring.”
Isobel: “Well, what else could we drink to? We’re going forward to the future, not back into the past.
Violet: If only we had the choice!”
— Violet gets in a last work about future happiness

“Oh, don’t be mysterious. It’s the last resort of people with no secrets.”
— Violet has no patience for people who don’t get right to the point

“So, now Mr Barrow’s going, Mr Molesley is going, and only Andrew stands between me and Armageddon.”
— Mr. Carson (Jim Carter) feels the world is falling down around him with servants leaving

Mrs. Patmore: “Right. We’ve got three months to plan this wedding so I don’t want any mistakes.”
Daisy: “I don’t think people want mistakes, Mrs Patmore, they just happen.”
— Mrs. Patmore (Lesley Nicol) is more than a little worried about planning Edith’s wedding

Henry: “Will you be best friends now?”
Mary: “Oh, you’re such a sentimentalist.”
Henry: “But will you?”
Mary: “Never you mind. We’re sisters, and sisters have secrets.”
— Henry (Matthew Goode) wonders if Mary (Michelle Dockery) will ever be friends with Edith

Jane the Virgin

Jane: “Elsa and Anna? Like in Frozen?”
Petra: “What do you mean?”
Jane: “That’s the name of the sisters… in Frozen … The movie?”
Petra: “Oh… Well, no one except for you will think of that.”
— The pop culture significance of her daughter’s names doesn’t bother Petra (Yael Grobglas) in any way

“I’m just saying I don’t want to go back. Because we’re better now. And I want you to know that you are absolutely who I want. And I’m not going anywhere.”
— Jane (Gina Rodriguez) reciprocates her live for Michael (Brett Dier)

The Middle

Always be yourself. pic.twitter.com/FmSNX8RWqg

— The Middle (@TheMiddle_ABC) March 11, 2016

Two Broke Girls

Caroline: “What’re you doing?”
Max: “Uh, there’s a serial killer on the loose. I’m doing what all heroes do. I’m going on Twitter to add to the chatter.”
— Max (Kat Dennings) reveals where her true priorities lie during an emergency

Caroline: “What’s your wifi password?”
Randy: “1, 2, 5, lowercase B, uppercase D, dash, dash, 6, 3, lowercase F, uppercase F, 5, 2, 1. Or you can get some reception outside.”
— Randy’s (Ed Quinn) super secluded pad in the Hollywood Hills has limited access to the outside world

Girl Meets World

“Dad, you’re more than a teacher. You’re like a father to me.”
— Riley (Rowan Blanchard) explains her relationship to Cory (Ben Savage)

“I’ve never said this before but… You have my attention.”
— Maya (Sabrina Carpenter) proves to be a model student in her final hours of middle school

You, Me, and the Apocalypse

“Hey, don’t look so scared. I’m just like your dad, only cooler.”
— Jamie’s (Mathew Baynton) evil twin Ariel tells his kidnapped niece not to worryabout his kidnapping her

Jamie: “How far are we going? How shout-y am I going to get?”
Layla: “Let’s just go another couple of miles, shall we?”
— Jamie and his estranged wife Layla (Karla Crome) want to talk about what has happened between them out of earshot of their daughter

“We could be trapped here for months, years even. I mean, what do we do when we run out of conversation? I’m hopeless at small talk.”
— Jamie worries about spending extended time in a bunker with varied characters after the end of the world

Girls

“I’m not doing this will-they-won’t-they sh-t.”
— Jessa (Jemima Kirke) about her will-they-won’t-they relationship with Adam (Adam Driver)

“Paint me like one of your French girls, Ray.”
— Hannah (Lena Dunham) wants Ray to help her take sexy pictures for her boyfriend

The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story

“I’m not a public personality. This isn’t what I do. I don’t know how to do this. And those other guys…they’re flashy hot shots. They’re used to it.”
— Marcia Clark (Sarah Paulson) breaks down after her first husband sells private pictures of her to the press

“Good morning, Ms. Clark… I think.”
— Judge Ito (Kenneth Choi) greets Marcia Clark (Sarah Paulson) after she enters the courtroom with her now infamous new hair-do

“I vote babe.”
— Darden (Sterling K. Brown) calls into a radio show discussing whether Marcia Clark (Sarah Paulson) is a bitch or babe

RELATED: Read More Best Lines on TV

The Carmichael Show

“Look at Ben Affleck. He cheated with the nanny and we made him Batman.”
— Joe (David Grier) explains how men get away with cheating

“I can’t afford to lose another friend. I’m very opinionated and my experiences are limited.”
— Cynthia (Loretta Devine) explains why she can’t lose her bestie

“If a man makes less than $50,000 that man is probably faithful. If a man makes between $50,000 and $100,000 that means he thinks about it but he won’t act on it. That’s me, but you won’t have to worry about it. $100,000 to $500,000 means he’s definitely cheating. Anything over $500,000 just means his wife knows the mistress by name.”
— Jerrod (Jerrod Carmichael) explains his theory about cheating

“Any man who gives his wife a car with a big red bow on it is cheating on her. Those Lexus Christmas commercials are darker than you think.”
— Joe (David Grier) doesn’t trust sweet gestures

Fresh Off the Boat

Hank: “For me, the Pomeranian is the unsung hero of the Toy Dog group.”
Louis: “Excuse me, are we in a pool hall or a fool hall because that is just ridiculous.”
— Louis (Randall Park) gives viewers a glimpse into what men discuss when they’re hanging out

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

“I don’t know why you have a shrink anyway. I give such good advice! Now drink this expired apple juice.”
— Paula (Donna Lynn Champlin) accidently undercuts her argument

“I’m your funny best friend with all the answers. I’m your Judy Greer… Your Rosie O’Donnell… Your JOAN CUSACK!”
— Paula is clearly her own best cheerleader

Recovery Road

“Wes, I expected you to just sit there looking like a statue of James Dean.”
— Craig (David Witts) unexpectedly nails his description of Wes’ (Sebastien De Souza) looks

Bob’s Burgers

Gene: “It’s the Sofa Queen!”
Tina: “The leader of the Ottoman Empire…”
— Tina’s (Dan Mintz) pun-ny response to her brother’s exclamation

“John Stain-mos…”
— Bob (H. Jon Benjamin) comes up with a creative nickname for the family’s old couch

“You missed the part of dinner where we all put our plates in the sink and pretend that someone is going to do the dishes.”
— Linda (John Roberts) explains how things work in the Belcher household

Pretty Little Liars

“We’re all connected, like a big bowl of linguini.”
— Hanna (Ashley Benson) describes the Liars with an Italian flair

Bates Motel

Romero: “What’s the problem, Norma?”
Norma: “Why do you have to answer the phone like that? What happened to ‘Hello’?”
Romero: “Fine, hello. What’s the problem?”
— Romero (Nestor Carbonell) knows that Norma (Vera Farmiga) is only calling for favors

“I need insurance. You have insurance. So, I thought maybe you could marry me. It’s not like you were doing anything else.”
— Norma proposes not-so-romantically to Sheriff Romero on his front porch

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“An entire armory’s worth of military might nicked from a police van, right under the nose of the police in less than four minutes. The two of us, trained, experienced… We can pull this off. But all it takes is one tainted fish taco, and pfft. Unfair advantage, really.”
— Hunter (Nick Blood) still can’t believe that a little fish goes a long way for Inhumans

Tacos AND superpowers? 🌮🌮 Sounds like a good deal to us. #AgentsOfShield https://t.co/alVdc1fHsZ

— Agents of SHIELD (@AgentsofSHIELD) March 9, 2016

If you could have Inhuman powers, what would they be?https://t.co/GqAby5v70h

— Agents of SHIELD (@AgentsofSHIELD) March 10, 2016

Younger

Liza: “I’m behaving like an actual 26-year-old: having rebound sex.”
Maggie: “More like boomerang.”
Liza: “And pining over my ex-boyfriend. I’ve re-read all of our texts. I scroll through our photos whenever I’m bored. I can’t keep doing this. I’m not some emo teen who just lost her virginity.”
— Liza (Sutton Foster) can’t believe she’s still making the same relationship mistakes again

Modern Family

Phil gets deep. pic.twitter.com/q09es9bmFg

— Modern Family (@ModernFam) March 8, 2016

Grimm

Monroe: “It’s a stick?”
Hank: “Looks like a stick.”
Wu: “A really old stick.”
Rosalee: “It can’t be just a stick.”
Nick: “Well, that’s what it looks like.”
Monroe: “They wouldn’t have buried a stick unless they were some kind of dog Wesen.”
Hank: “Maybe it’s some kind of important stick that belongs to a bigger… piece of wood that means something to somebody.”
Wu: “Well, if it was a stick-mata… Sorry, that was a reach.”
Rosalee: “Maybe it’s something like a stick from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.”
Hank: “You’re talking about the tree that Eve picked the apple from in the garden of Eden?”
Monroe: “If that’s the case, then we just flew halfway across the world and risked our lives for a stick that has screwed up all of humanity since the beginning of time.”
Wu: “Maybe that’s why they buried it in the first place, ’cause the gates of hell are gonna open up and the world as we know it is gonna end.”
Rosalee: “On that thought, maybe you should put it back.”
Nick: “The last thing we want are the gates of hell opening up in Portland.”
Hank: “Seems like they already have.”
— The Grimm gang puzzle over a rather anti-climactic reveal of a wooden stick in a locked box

Sleepy Hollow

Ichabod: “You know what, I knew Colonel Rochester. Peevish sort. It seems a surprise they’d name a city after him. He hardly deserves that honor.”
Abbie: “You haven’t seen Rochester.”
— Ichabod (Tom Mison) and Abbie (Nicole Beharie) debate the merits of Rochester